When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
