Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
