That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
You've changed since you got that strap on
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
