i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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