in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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