I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
