I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
