You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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