i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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