the condom got lost in my hair
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
