Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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