I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize