I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
We need to get me chipped asap
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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