i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
