I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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