I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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