why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
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