So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
