He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Randomize
