this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Randomize
