Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
