fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
You can't motorboat a personality
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Randomize
