so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
