Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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