Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
