His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
