I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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