I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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