Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
