non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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