Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Use "feeling words"
Yay
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
