broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Four minutes until I can fart!
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
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He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
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Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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