the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
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He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
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He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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