It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
