I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
