I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
