just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
A bitchslap is in order.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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