FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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