we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
