A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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