my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
