Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
