Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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