It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
