I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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