Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
