actually, I'm a sock model
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I puked a lego.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
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