Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
