My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a search helicopter?!
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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