guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
