Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
