We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
