dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
