you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
