Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize
