so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
My ass is underappreciated
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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