wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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