I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
It was like getting head from an anaconda
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
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No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
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In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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